model. motherfucker. i fucking hate myself, but more than likely i'd think more of myself than i do of you.
trigger warning this whole blog kk.
I threw out the doughnut.
The other night, my boyfriend and I were talking
about how it’s almost the two year “anniversary” for lack of a better word, since I attempted. And yeah including that year leading up to my hospitalisation, that means that it’s been like three years that I’ve been dealing with all this eating bullshit.
Three years of fucking starving starving starving myself and refusing to eat a few nuts and dried fruit pieces at lunch at school. Taking bottles and bottles of diet pills that do nothing. The first time I purged. The first time I purged properly and quietly. Taking hundreds of fucking dollars worth of illegal, prescription only appetite suppressants. Eaten literally thousands of laxatives. Realising my BMI is underweight. Not being able to sit on chairs because it hurts. Fainting at work…..
Then gaining weight. Then losing it. Then gaining all the original weight back and starting cutting and taking sedatives and painkillers again. Dry mouth. Diet coke. Marlboros. Lose it all again. Try to be better because I’m not the only one going through shit. Try to be better because I was never actually diagnosed. Try to be better because my actual anorexic boyfriend sees me as healthy and fine and not ruined or sick and he has to be right because he would know. How could I know? I’m not sick.
It’s been three years. I’ve wasted three years of my life obsessing about weight things. I’ve wasted three years of my life, on this. I’ve dealt with depression since I before I was a teenager. My whole life is…. years and years of nothing. Rotting from the inside.
Asked by Anonymous Anonymous
The thing you just posted about the years of starving is something I relate to. You get to the stage where you wonder what the whole effing point was, then you wake up and continue doing exactly the same thing. Grrr.
It’s been so long and I didn’t realise. I freaked out a bit when I noticed.
wow this is like one of those things you find when you go through youtube’s related videos for far too long
I could watch this on repeat for hours. What.
Fucking ugly stupid stupid stupid disgusting worthless fat fat fat FAT fucking repulsive useless slob
I want to fucking die
I’m so angry and fucking gross and fat and I fucking hate her oh my god FUCK
I want to not eat until I collapse
I am a fat ugly thing.
I can eat so effing much.
The amount of food that fits into my stomach is disgusting. I could eat my whole house’s worth of food
NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY
